Candidate 1) 4MER1C4N W0M4N

Assembled by blue-collar workers, 4MER1C4N W0M4N knows the plight of the American Robotics Union. She campaigns on a platform based on calm, rational, calculating thought, and has indicated that she will do her best to keep the power industry unregulated.

4MER1C4N W0M4N has been featured on the cover of "O" magazine as the "perfect example of what makes America's women strong, empowered, and sexy." 4MER1C4N W0M4N has downloaded Oprah's personality into her memory banks, and can channel the popular icon on demand.

Candidate 2) Bartholomew "Billy" Biggleton "Bigmouth" Basinger "Bass"

A candidate born of humble roots, Bartholomew "Billy" Biggleton "Bigmouth" Basinger "Bass" was found living in a neighborhood trash can by local waste re-purposer Harry "Scary" Martin. Bartholmew was taken in, cleaned up, and given a new lease on life by the installation of some new batteries.

Bartholomew is famous for lightening the atmosphere wherever he goes by bursting out in song and lifelike animation. In a recent interview for Collector's Monthly, Bartholomew announced his plans to run for president: "With the economy in such a state, we could all use a little tail-flappin' and head-bobbin', if you know what I mean." When asked to clarify, he said, "I think people expect a little more from their elected officials. Press my button and I will spring to life, ready to serve."

Candidate 3) Parcele R. Ecepticle

Parcele R. Ecepticle has seen rural America shrink while suburbs and large metropolises spring up almost overnight. "Used to be, when a man wanted to talk to another, you'd send'm a handwritten missive. Nowadays, the new fad's to use that whatchacallit 'Informational three-lane' that the kids are all talkin' about to send ones and zeros to each other. Call me uneducated, but I jus' don't think it's American."

Announcing a platform based on promoting literacy and subsidies for wood post and corrugated tin manufacturers, Parcele R. Ecepticle bills himself as the most patriotic of the candidates. "The way I see it, I've been waving my flag since the day I was born."

Candidate 4) Precious III

"Precious III is a very good boy," says Abigail Winters, his owner, "except when he digs in the yard, but that's what the shock collar is for."

Precious III is a relative newcomer to the political scene, but what he lacks in experience, he more than makes up in youthful energy. Often seen chasing his own tail, Precious III's owner speaks out against his detractors, "Sometimes you need to see where you've been before you can see where you're going."

Precious III is running on a platform of digging (oil exploration), panting (physical fitness programs), and auto-erotic-exploration (sexual education programs).