From: Randy Golden Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc] Re: Looking for wise council Date: 2 Jun 2000 00:24:23 GMT Subject: Re: Looking for wise council From: "Joe B" Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc "Fish Eye no Miko" wrote in message news:sj8f9dhe5pj72@corp.supernews.com... > Hey, all! > > I come to you asking for advice. Here's the deal: > About two months ago, I gave up eating meat. I did it mainly because a > friend had done it, and I wanted to try it. My friend gave up meat for > ethical reasons, but I really don't have a problem with people eating meat. > Anyway, I find that I'm kind of missing eating meat. I'm thinking maybe I > should go back to it. I feel really bad about this because I feel like I'm > caving in, and I wonder if people who thought it wouldn't last will kind > of... I don't know... Gloat? And please don't give me that "what > other people say/think doesn't matter" spiel. > Has anyone else been through this (not necessarily with vegetarianism) and > could maybe give me some advice? > > Catherine Johnson. You're quite right. That whole "what other people think doesn't matter" speech is way off base. It's always important to stay at least one step ahead of your friends, and how can you be expected to do that if they're gloating over your failures. There's nothing worse than having to admit that you made a mistake. So, my advice is this: Never *ever* admit that you made a mistake. Never back down, even if it turns out that you were mistaken. ESPECIALLY if it turns out you wre mistaken. Stick to your guns. The easiest way out would be to simply remain a vegetarian. Although people give up eating meat for many varied reasons - ethical values, health concerns, etc., I would estimate that 85 to 90 percent of vegetarians today have *stayed* vegetarians out of spite. They simply didn't want to admit to their friends or family that they made a mistake and want to go back to eating meat. If you choose to remain a vegetarian out of spite towards the friends who told you that you couldn't do it, do so secure in the knowledge that you are among the vast majority of vegetarians in that regard. However, you indicated that you like eating meat and wish to resume eating meat. Thus, we must find some other solution that would allow you to rejoin the rest of the omnivores without your friends getting to gloat over your meat-eating status. Fortunately, I think that I have come up with a solution to your predicament. Firstly, you have to realize that people have nototriously short memories about this kind of thing. They'll challenge you on this for a year or so, but after that, they'll forget about it and have moved on to other targets. Besides, once you've done something for a year, you've proven that you *can* do it. After that, you can just say you didn't *want* to do it any more. In fact, you can make a big deal about the fact that you're starting to eat meat again and how hard it is - how you have to *force* yourself to eat meat. What does that mean for you? Simple - you really only have to give up eating meat for about a year. Just until they forget about the whole vegetarian thing. Since you've already made it two months, you've only got 10 more to go. Now that's kind of a long time to go without eating meat. Instead of abstaining from meat, you can try this approach: Eat all the meat you want, just don't let them see you do it. Go for it. If they don't *see* you eating meat, they can't gloat about it, can they? If you're at a party, hang around the crackers and cheese. If you get a hankering for some cocktail weenies, sneak them out back in a napkin and eat them by the garage. The only people likely to be out there are stoners, and they certainly won't narc on you. If you can go without getting caught for 10 more months, you're home free. However, there's always a possibility that you could get caught. Or, you could be out with a group of friends and your resolve could weaken. You've got to prepare for those scenarios. Your best weapons are: 1. Feigning ignorance, 2. Finding loopholes, and 3. Plausable deniability. These three tools can get you out of any situation. Let me run through some examples for you. OK, say you're out at a restaurant enjoying a big juicy hamburger. In walk three of your friends and they see you eating the burger. They approach your table: You: (taking a big bite) Oh, hi guys. Friend #1: Hi, Catherine, how are you? You chew, swallow, take another bite. (at this point it's very important that you *keep* eating.) You: OK, how about you. Friend #1: OK Friend #2: Say, Catherine, didn't you say that you were giving up meat? Yet here you are eating a big hamburger. I told you that you couldn't do it. (All three start laughing) You: Oh this? (gesture with burger and take another bite) This doesn't have any meat in it. Friend #2: What are you talking about? Of course that has meat in it. It's a *hamburger*. You: No, I ordered it specifically without meat (keep eating) Friend #2: Of course it has meat in it. Can't you tell? You: Hmmmm... let me check. (take another bite, chew), Nope. Something about it tastes familiar. Really good in fact, but I don't think there's any *meat* in there. Friend #2: Are you insane? Just look at it. There's an enormous hamburger patty in there. (Hopefully by this time, you're almost finished with the burger) You: (taking off the bun) Oh my *god*! You're right! There IS a big hambuger patty in there. (Call the waiter over) Sir! Will you look at this? There appears to be meat in this. I specifically ordered this WITHOUT meat. Take this away at once! The waiter removes the plate You: Oh my GOD! I can't believe he gave me a hamburger with *meat* on it. I told him I wanted it without meat since, as you know, I'm a vegetarian. I'm appalled. You can bet I'll never be eating here again. And that's tool #1, Feigning Ignorance, in action. OK, now that we're done with that. let me show you how to put tool #2, Finding Loopholes, to work. Say you're out to dinner with a bunch of friends. You're all at a pizza joint and everyone's getting something meaty and delicious. You could settle for cheese or veggie pizza, but why settle when you can find a loophole in the rules. OK, you're all ordering: Friend #1: I'll have a slice of Sausage and Canadian Bacon and a diet Slice. You: I'll have two slices with hamburger, olives, and onions. Friend #3: What? I thought that you were a vegetarian. You: (sigh) Yes, I got veggies on my pizza. Please don't persecute me for my beliefs. Friend #3: But you got hamburger on your pizza. You: So? Friend #3: You can't eat that if you're a vegetarian. You: No, I'm the kind of vegetarian where you can eat beef. Friend #2: What? You: You know how some vegetarians eat fish and such? Well, I've been doing some research into the vegetarian lifestyle and I'm the kind of vegetarian that eats beef. Mind you, I can't eat just any beef, I called ahead here to be sure their beef was 100% USDA certified, non-irradiated, *corn-fed* beef, and it is. That means I can eat it. Friend #1: I don't get it. You: Look, I can show you the pamphlet later if you want. It's just that *some* of us vegetarians eat corn-fed beef. It's for health reasons that I can't fully explain. I'll show you the literature my doctor gave me when I get home, OK? And you're clear. See how easy that is? Combine those two with the third tool and you'll be just fine. Tool #3, Plausable Deniability, comes in to play much later in the process, say 4 or 5 months from now. It works like this. You're at a party and want to get a snack. The pizza rolls look awfully good, but they've got sausage in them. What do you do hotshot? What *do* you do? You: (Grabbing a handful and eating them) These are pretty good. Friend #1: (who is hopefully intoxicated if this is going to work) Hey, I thought you said you were going to become a vegetarian. Hey everyone, Catherine's eating meat, check it out! Ha ha ha! You: No, you idiot, I said I was going to become a *Libertarian*. And I did. So, what do you think of Don Gorman's chances in 2004? I think his stand on China's trade status is pretty interesting... Friend #1 wanders off, bored... And you've won again. See how easy this can all be. You retain the higher moral ground *and* get to enjoy the sweet goodness of meat. Just remember, no matter what you do, never *ever* admit you were wrong. :)