From: Danny Sichel Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.fan.cecil-adams] Re: Hell House Date: 16 Nov 1999 20:53:31 GMT Subject: Re: Hell House From: "Pentalarc #1 @503" Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams RE: Re: Hell House BY: mlorton@lobo.civetsystems.com -------------------------BEGIN QUOTE---------------------- |¯|> But parents are likely to instruct it 1) incompetently, 2) not at all, or ||3) ¯> bigotedly (or an actual word that means what I obviously mean by that |if ¯> "bigotedly" is not a real word) or 4) some combination of the above |¯|> |¯|> Sex ed is nescessary in order to reach that group. |¯|This kind of argument is red meat to the anti-sex-ed crowd. "I, Big |¯|Brother, shall instruct your children, my property, on the Right Way |¯|to have sex, but you, lowly peons that you are, are too stupid, lazy, |¯|and ignorant to do it." -------------------------END QUOTE-------------------- Compare this to the quotes from parents who should not be the ones teaching thier children about sex: 1) The Repressed Coward: "I will not teach my innocent little darlings about sex. Thier ears are too delicate for such words to touch them. . .and don't talke to me about it either. 2) The Language Coward: "Ok, son, let me tell you how you got here. Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. Now, the Daddy. . . . . .now, imagine a tree, and someone wants to climb the tree, but when they do, they knock the acorns off. . . When I was young, we didn't have color television, well we did after Uncle Larry and Aunt Patty did, but that was before FOX. Once upon a time, there was a wolf in a trenchcoat. Son: Dad, are we talking about sex. 3) The Traditionalist Sexist: "I will teach my son to be manly and force himself upon women. I will teach my daughter to have no opions on sex and to have as many children as I tell her to." 4) The Bigot: "I'll teach my children to be straight, and to hate anyone who isn't. What? What do you mean my kid might be gay, that's ridiculous, I'll blowing your ing head off, you I'll tear out your and them, you . " 5) The Bible Bigot: "Now, dear, here's a four-page list of things that our loving God will strike you down for in regards to sex. Sorry the print's so small." 6) The Bible Coward: "Open your Bibles to Song Of Solomon Chapter 1. . ." 7) The I-Regret-My-Past-Part 1: "OK, now here's a four page list of things I did that you shouldn't do. . . sorry the prin't so small." 8) The I-Regret-My-Past-Part 2: "You'll start to notice people in your class. . .like I remember Christina Lanzverstrapple. . .I remember I asked to borrow a pencil once, but I never talked to her. . . now she's married to Mike Smervatski. . ." "Dad, are we talking about sex?" 9) The Secret Agent Breifing: "Now, listen up and listen well, I will give you a series of instructions and facts presented on a need to know basis, you will not ask for further information, nor comment on what is presented, nor may you ask questions all will be provided on a need-to-know basis. Now, lets make this as painless as possible for me, Mr. Bond. 10) The Paranoid: Sex ed causes promiscuity! Smoke detectors cause fire! Seat belts cause auto-accidents! Learning the Heimlich Maneuver makes people choke! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! 11) Hurried Suburbanite: "Here you go, honey, this should answer your questions, I have to leave, I'm going to a meeting for Concerned Republicans And Parents, we're discussion how horrible all those people in the city are for having children they don't spend time with." "But Mommy!" "No, I gotta run, because on the way I have to pick your father's No-Doz, my valium, and make some photocopies for the national Bake Sale Against Drugs." "But Mommy!" "No listen, I gotta go, I have to pick your brother up from soccer, your sister up from ballet, your other sister up from Bible Study, and your other brother up from therepy." "But Mommy!" "No, wait, gotta go, I gotta put gas in the car, pick up some coffee on the way, and buy that new book on Oprah's list. . .oh and don't visit the new neighbors, I think the mother may work outside of hte home. THere's soem mac and cheese for you to microwave for dinner. I love you, bye" "But Mommy! You just dropped the book ON FLUFFY!!!!!!!!!!" For these eleven reasons and more, we need sex ed in schools. This has been your daily humor with a message from Pentalarc, all-round cynic and commentator.