From: Uncle Milty Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [misc.fitness.weights] Re: Dipstick Alert! Date: 8 Oct 1998 13:32:18 GMT Subject: Re: Dipstick Alert! From: junkonly@hotmail.com Newsgroups: misc.fitness.weights, alt.true-crime, rec.arts.anime.misc, alt.fan.thundercats So, Bugzapper... How did the meeting with your lawyer go? No, no, don't tell me... let *me* tell *you* how it went... YOU: (mumbling slightly because of the thumb in your mouth) Sir? Sir! Mr. Lawyer, sir??? I want you to help me sue somebody, sir. Please? Willya? Huh? Please??? LAWYER: Who do you want to sue? YOU: I dunno. Some guy. I think it's a guy. I dunno. LAWYER: So what did he do to you? YOU: Get this... he thought I was dead and he looked in the obituaries. LAWYER: (pause) And...? YOU: And he said I'm childish and I have a mean spirit. LAWYER: (pause) And...? YOU: And he knows all kinds of embarrassing stuff about me. LAWYER: (longer pause) Like what? YOU: Well... like I sometimes pretend that I'm a Muppet. LAWYER: (clears throat) And is that... true? YOU: Well... yeah... LAWYER: (smirks) And how did he know that you do that? YOU: He read my posts. LAWYER: Posts? YOU: On the Internet. LAWYER: I see. (grimace) Were these... public posts? YOU: Yes. LAWYER: Put there... by you. YOU: Yes. LAWYER: On the Internet. YOU: Yes. LAWYER: (frowns) I assume you know that the Internet is like... worldwide, right? YOU: Gosh, EVERYBODY knows THAT! LAWYER: Uh huh. (takes off glasses, sighs) So... he didn't break into your account or anything... he just read something you posted. YOU: He read EVERYTHING I posted. LAWYER: (pause) And...? YOU: And I'm really pissed about that. LAWYER: (grimaces, frowns, scratches head with glasses) Did he threaten you in any way? YOU: When I pretended I was a Muppet and started talking to myself, he told everybody it was me! And he used some big words so I betcha he's gay. LAWYER: Did he say anything abusive or slanderous? YOU: He sure did! He called me "the Grand Exalted Anal Aperture of the Universe." LAWYER: (smiles benignly) Well, that's not exactly a compliment, but it's hardly illegal. Anything else? YOU: He said my mother was frightened by a jackass, and he said I suffered brain damage when I got spanked as a baby, and he said I was Elmo, and he said it must be really hard to go to college in Illinois when you live in California, and he quoted Joni Mitchell, and... and... and... (drool starts to gush down the thumb in your mouth, making it hard for the lawyer to maintain eye contact) LAWYER: (utterly baffled) Uh... okay, okay... so... what do you want me to... uh... YOU: I want you to hurt him, because he's bad. I want you to go get him and make him sorry that he's been so mean to me. Willya? Huh? Willya? PLEEEEEEEESE??? LAWYER: Look, I really don't think you have a case here... YOU: But he knows all this stuff about meeeeeeee... LAWYER: Which he found out by reading your posts, which you placed yourself, on public newsgroups, of your own volition. Right? YOU: Yes. LAWYER: So... what do you want me to say to the judge about all of this? YOU: I want you to tell the judge that this guy is in love with my body and he wants to wear a bottle of my spit around his neck. (Long, long, LOOOOOOOONG pause...) LAWYER: Get out of my office, willya? (into intercom) Melanie... send in my next appointment - and bring a mop, please. Gawd, this doofus drooled all over my upholstery... ________________________________________________________ Back to the real world (although I realize it's not your favorite place...) I don't know the exact quote, but somebody once said something like this: "You can judge the quality of a man's character by the size of the things that upset him." It takes far too little to upset you, Mr. Redferne. Nothing I said to you is even worth a good junior-high-school spitball fight, and you reacted with an apocalyptic melodrama of outrage. Somehow, I don't think a *real* superhero would behave the way you do. Of course, I do have to give you credit for one thing: you *can* dish it out. (Hey... yo' Mama! Gimme a break...) Anyway, I know a little bit about the law, and you can't issue subpoenas until you've filed a lawsuit... and you can't file a lawsuit unless you know who you're suing... and if you're planning to sue Erols, I'll wager they've got better lawyers than you can afford... and you haven't exactly got the longest attention span in the world... :-) Besides, even if you could find a court that would take you seriously, I'm still not a bit worried about it, for the following two reasons: 1) You'd never be able to select a jury. Where could you possibly find twelve of my peers? and 2) All I have to do is call you as my first witness. Case dismissed! Do us both a favor, will you? Go back and read all my posts again. If you find anything genuinely actionable - anything at all - let me know. Adieu, mon petit herisson. (Look THAT one up in your Larousse!)