From: eds7466@UMoncton.ca (The Great and Powerful Danny Sichel) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [rec.arts.comics.info] (HYPE) Modern Grimm #1! Date: 23 Oct 1996 13:09:27 +0100 Subject: (HYPE) Modern Grimm #1! From: Andrew Dabb Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.info The event everyone (ok, me) has been waiting for has arrived; Modern Grimm #1 is solicited in this month's Previews! Right on page 276 (under Symptom Press, upper-right-hand corner) we even have nifty black and white (none of that color crap for us!) preview picture! That's right page 276, the same prestigious page where you can find the Barbi Twins Special issue (in this one there are NO gratuitous cleavage shots... *cough*... *cough*), Deadforce #3 (in 500 dolla...I mean watt color), and little ads for Sirius and Top Cow telling you to turn the page to see their full-page, multi-million dollar, pin-up, large breasted women (and elves) advertisements, which they have sold their souls to get (whoops...I mean that _I_ would sell my soul to get. Sirus and Top Cow just paid cash). Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Why should I spend my hard earned money on this book, with a weird title, made by a bunch of amateurs?" You may also be thinking "Why aren't there crotchless briefs for men?" But, since this is a hype post in the rec.arts.comic-related newsgroups I will only awnser the former. First, think of the money the first issue will be worth when the writer has not only won several (were talking Neil Gaiman quantity here) Eisners but also the Pulitzer Prize, and when the artists are featured on such books as the X-Men, NOTE: I do not like the X-Men, I think the characters are over-exposed, and the plotlines are unimaginative and recycled from old Super Friends episodes, and I wouldn't wish the task of drawing them [much less writing them] on my worst enemy. However, I also realize that X-Men related books are the top sellers in the market today and figure by mentioning there is an outside chance that one day hundreds of years in the future someone who did some work on this book may in some way be associated with the X-Men will probably drive up the book's value from the get-go, at least in Wizard, and possibly influence large amounts of pre-pubescent boys, who have wet dreams about Rogue, to order multiple copies of Modern Grimm #1 [the book I am hyping...remember?] and keep them in kevlar lined bags as to ensure their mintness, thereby ensuring us selling over 1,000 units and keeping our prestigious page 276 upper-right-hand-corner slot for years to come. but have also won numerous industry art awards. NOTE: The above will only happen with the aid of almighty God [and since most of us are atheist that ain't likely to happen, is it?], but hey...maybe if God is on a bender and REALLY wants to piss off established creators, with talent and critics, with opinions, everywhere he might pull a few (non-proverbial) strings for us. And if he does, boy will you be sitting on a gold mine! Second, to get back at Diamond for screwing up our Previews ad (that's right, you, the consumer can strike back against 'the man' rage on brother, rage on). You see when you're a new book soliciting Diamond you must send not only a mock-up copy of your book but also a general description of it (note the word 'general'),and three pints of your own blood (haha, of course that's not true...it's two pints). Now being the logical (read: sober) person I was when reading these instructions I assumed that the 'Grand Decision Board' would read the general statement, and decide whether or not they wanted it in their catalogue. Then, some nameless person at Diamond would read the mock-up copy and write some little plug to go along with the picture we sent in. This, however, is not the case (though, lord knows, they make enough money they could afford to pay someone to do this...hell, I volunteer!) they actually just stick that dumb general statement under the picture and call it good. Well,no one told ME this, and so we end up looking stupid in front of the sixteen people that actually plow through 275 pages of Previews and actually stop long enough (before preceding on to the breasts one page later [as mentioned above]) to read our solicitation. And, to top it all off they didn't include any credits!! That's right folks this book does not exist, no one wrote it, no one drew it, and no one inked it...now if that doesn't make for a collectors item I don't know what does! Therefore, in all actuality, Modern Grimm #1 (reminder/plug #2) could have been written by Alan Moore and Neil Gaimen and drawn by both Todd McFarlane and Frank Miller, together for the first time. No one knows! (much less me) You'll just have to by the book to find out, won't you? (please?) Third, pity. That's right 'pity' defined in my roommate's dictionary (that's right, not MY dictionary, his. I may write for a meager living but I'm not a dictionary-owning nerd! [ok, *sob*, ok I couldn't afford one...are you happy now? Are you happy?!? *sob*]) as, 'sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.' Not only should you be 'aroused' to purchase this book by the 'misfortune and suffering' of 'another' (read: me) but it may be the first and last time you'll be able to by a book just for the pity factor. Let me ask you, have you ever purchased a comic book just out of pity? I am guessing no. You've bought a book because of a neat neo-radiation emitting enhanced cover, you've bought a book because of a huge cross-company cross-over involving characters from the early fifties with names like 'Herman the Long' (because he's so tall...of course), you've bought a book as an investment, you've bought a book because of market hype, and you've probably bought a book out of desperation because you're so bored at college that you'll do anything (including read Bone, and type really long messages to hype your own book) to waste time, but just out of pity? I think not. So if you buy Modern Grimm #1 (reminder/plug #3) you'll not only have an incredible visceral (defined in my roommate's dictionary as 'long') reading experience but also the social clout to participate in the following exchange; Sir Drummond Brightknees III (Rich loser who orders every comic book that ever comes out, also the only human on the planet to have every issue of that little Onslaught thing they did at Marvel this summer) : 'You know, hurr hurr, I bought this Action Comics #1 for ONLY $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 quite a steal. Wouldn't you say? You: Ha, I bought this exceptional issue of Modern Grimm #1 (reminder/plug #4) out of pity! Sir Drummond Brightknees III: *GASP*! Not only will you be able to wow your friends with this pity inspired purchase, you'll also get the babes (I mean, females of the species). You see it's the 90s and women want their men caring and have a feminine side (NOTE: That does not mean you should dress up in a costume that is male on one side and female on the other for a date...learned this the hard way). Therefore what better way to make her desire you than to pull out one of your many copies of Modern Grimm #1 (reminder/plug #5) after dinner(but before sex...don't mix that up!) and say 'You know, honeysugersweetumskissypoo, I bought this book out of pity.' If the girl is any catch at all she'll oooh and ahhh and pleasure you in ways you never thought possible from a woman. (NOTE: This may range from the...ahem...obviouse to simply making eye-contact, depedending on your interpretation of the word "pleasure"). So as you can see purchasing Modern Grimm #1 for pity will not only allow us to keep our prime position on page 276, but also better your life. Now, if that doesn't awnser your question; '"Why should I spend my hard earned money on this book, with a weird title, made by a bunch of amateurs?" you either just skipping the reasons (shame on you) or need to e-mail me requesting the expanded '85 Reasons to Buy Modern Grimm #1' (reminder/plug #6). By now you should be chomping at the bit to race off to you local retailer and demand he order in fifteen copies of Modern Grimm #1 (reminder/plug #7) just for you, and maybe more for others. So I'll let you go, just remember page 276 in this month's Previews, Symptom Press publishes it, and it's a measly $2.75! That all!! Only $2.75 for hours of family fun, two complete stories, and two beautifully painted covers. What have you got to lose? Order now! (NOTE: Symptom Press takes no responsibility if purchasing Modern Grimm #1 [reminder/plug #7] does not considerably improve your life...if it does you you're live is obviously to full, and you really shouldn't read comics as there are those of us out there with nothing better [and by 'better' I mean women, social lives, jobs, and friends] to do than read them! So just keep your socially adapted nose out of our books!) REVEWIERS : Symptom Press is allocating 15 copies of Modern Grimm #1 (reminder/plug...awww fergit it) to give away (that is for free) to reviews. So if you review comics on the Internet, in a fanzine, or in the New Yorker drop us a line with your snail mail address and a brief summary of what you have done in the past (just so we don't get a bunch of non-review writing weasels) and we'll get you a copy in December (when the books ships). Also, by accepting a free copy of Modern Grimm #1 you're committing yourself to review it, either in a public forum or in a private letter to us. Only 15 available, first come first serve, so burn up that keyboard and drop us a message! Also the people that get chosen will receive preview copies of all Symptom comics for the 1996-1997 period.