From: Lurker Praps Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [rec.humor.oracle.d] Re: Now! Date: 5 Oct 1999 22:42:11 -0000 Subject: Re: Now! From: brightredfish@mindspring.com (Paul L. Kelly) Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d m.pack@NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk (Lurker Praps) attempted to infuriate me by saying: >Also Sprach Paul L. Kelly: > >Massage: <37f8cfa9.11526169@news.mindspring.com> >Froom: brightredfish@mindspring.com (Paul L. Kelly) >On: Sun, 03 Oct 1999 03:38:51 GMT >______________________________ > >> >The culmination of (within a few hours) 19 years of progressively >> >harder work happens NOW! Woohoo! > >> Lemme guess. Alexis is turning 19 and you're giving him the ol' >> heave-ho? > >No, he's 18 years and three months. :-) Ah yes, I think I get the picture. Let's take a look at the situation almost exactly 19 years ago... [Dizzy Wavy Lines and Harp Music] Sperm Platoon Leader: Okay troops, a scout has reported a hole in the diaphram! Sperm Troopers [in unison]: Huzzah! Sperm Platoon Leader: Okay, Corporal Gizwick is passing out these special suits for passage through the spermicidal jelly. We haven't ever had a chance to test these, so we don't... Random Sperm Trooper: Sarge! Sarge! Private Alexis just slipped through the hole! Sperm Platoon Leader: Without a suit? Oh good grief. He'll never make it. Okay, where are those vagoculars? Oh, here they are. [Looks through the hole in the wall] Oooh, there he goes. Jesus Christ, he's IN! Look at him go. That's a zygote if I ever saw one. Another Random Sperm Trooper: Sarge! Sarge! Sperm Platoon Leader: What is it? Another Random Sperm Trooper: Private Alexis was wearing these before he went through, but then he took them off. Sperm Platoon Leader [to Corporal Gizwick]: What, um, exactly are these? Gizwick: Well sir, they look like nipple clamps. Sperm Platoon Leader: Nipple clamps? Gizwick: Nipple clamps, sir. Sperm Platoon Leader: Gizwick, forgive me for seeming dense, but exactly WHERE would a sperm trooper put nipple clamps? It's not like we have nipples, now is it? Gizwick: Um, no, sir. I don't suppose we do have any nipples. Sperm Platoon Leader: And? Gizwick: So these nipple clamps were a complete red herring, and a total waste of your time. Shall I jump into the nonoxynol, sir? Sperm Platoon Leader: No, no, Corporal. Your intentions were just. We need SOMETHING to explain the behavior this child will display during his teen years. Nipple clamps on the sperm that begat him were a good, albeit totally silly, attempt. Yet Another Random Sperm Trooper: Sir, is that what this whole sketch is about? Just trying to explain the behavior of an adolescent? Sperm Platoon Leader: Why yes, it is. Why do you ask? Yet Another Random Sperm Trooper: Well, sir, my aunty became a teenager, and she behaved rather badly too! Another Random Sperm Trooper: Yeah, and my cousin's nephew was fine until fourteen, then he was really bad for about six years, and then he settled down and was fine! Sperm Platoon Leader: So what you're saying is that all this is inevitable? Yet Another Random Sperm Trooper: I suppose so sir. But Alexis did have a couple pinch marks on his chest, if that makes you feel any better. Sperm Platoon Leader: What I really want to know is how he made it through the nonoxynol-9. Gizwick: Doesn't really look much like nonox to me sir. Looks more like Smuckers. Sperm Platoon Leader: Smuckers? Hmm. With a name like Smuckers...well no matter. We're all going to die from old age soon, anyway. Gizwick: Bugger. Sperm Platoon Leader: Oh it's not all that bad, Corporal. At least one of our troopers got through. Not like we were wanking this time, now was it? Gizwick: True, sir, true. Since we're all going to die, can we have a prayer, sir? Sperm Platoon Leader: Certainly. [Praying] Our Father, who art tumescent, Hard-on be thy name. Thy kingdom cum, Thy spill be fertile, In vagino and in vitro. Lead us not into a blowjob, And deliver us from reservoir tips, For thine is the genetic code, and the gamete and the zygote etcetera etcetera etcetera, All: AMEN Sperm Platoon Leader: Okay, troops, we're all going to die now, since Alexis was the one who made it through. Sperm Troopers: Bugger! Sperm Platoon Leader: Oh it's not all that bad. We all knew it would come to this. Take it like a sperm! [Suddenly, vinegar and water wash them all out. THE END.]