From: "J. Thomas Sapienza" Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.support.childfree] The Nomenclature Crisis Date: 31 Dec 1999 21:54:14 GMT Subject: The Nomenclature Crisis From: Ranger Bob Newsgroups: alt.support.childfree Soon, the Y2K hype will be a dim memory, and we'll need to focus on the problem that will present the real drain on American productivity in the coming century. I refer, of course, to the millions of man-hours that will be wasted by members of the latest baby crop, condemned for life to spell out loud their creatively-altered names: "Yes, this is Dacotah Veeblefetzer. Would I spell it for you? Certainly: D-A-C-O^Å" A coworker recently showed me the program from her daughter's "Nutcracker" performance. Even in this tiny backwater village, there were dozens of children saddled with oddly-spelled names by parents attempting to substitute orthographic whimsy for imagination and taste. Haeli, Kaylee, Kylie, and Kalia danced alongside Kelly, Kellie, and Kellan. Kelsey and Kelsie were there, too, mingling with a crowd of Chelseas. There were Brianna and Breanna; Krysten and Krystl; Brock and Brooke. We mustn't overlook Apryl and Avril, or Taylor and Tayler; nor mix up Lindsay with Lindsey, nor Shaunda with Shanda. (One prays that little Shanda does not grow up to marry a man named Lear.) For the geographically inclined, there were cities like Savannah and Cheyenne, mountains like Whitney, rivers like Shannon. A French province took pride of place, though; with Brittany, Brittani, Brittney, and Britni. (Do you think any _enfants_ in northern France answer to "Mynnysota" or "Mychygan?") And speaking of northern states, how come Dakota has turned into a kid's name, while Idaho has not? Oh, wait; I figured that one out. Some of the names conveyed a hint of menace. Perhaps Tysen's parents thought the E-for-O swap would prevent their pride and joy from modeling himself upon the carnivorous-boxer-turned-rapist. I'd recommend keeping him at a distance, just for safety; same with Nova, in case of a blowup. Meanwhile, I'd urge Nash to take better care of his teeth. (Her teeth?) One-off concoctions include Anneli and Anika, Joelyn and Maren. And how IS one to pronounce "Ciara" and "Tazja?" Finally, someone should have told the parents of McKinzy, Micaela, and Malarie that it wasn't worth the effort. I'd worry more for the sanity of the nation, but the Preacher spake truly, "There is nothing new under the sun." While hunting for end-of-century trivia, I found that on January 6, 1900, our local paper reprinted this joke from the Chicago Post: "I wonder why she is so offended," he said. "It's because of the letter you sent her^Å you addressed it to Miss Mary Smith." "Well, isn't that her name?" "It used to be, but now it's Mayrye Smith." At least in those days, parents left their offspring the option of mangling their own names.