From: Simon Lyall Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [nz.general] FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS (was Re: What do you do when someone Dies?) Date: 14 Jul 1999 14:17:50 GMT Subject: FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS (was Re: What do you do when someone Dies?) From: dave Newsgroups: nz.general Ahhhhhh! Finally a worthy suggestion. I've been contemplating the very subject for some time now... Haven't (yet) felt the need to try any of this out first-hand, but it's one of my prederred distractions. Nothin gamuses me more than watching some poor slob on the news who finally snapped and butchered his wife/mother/boss/kids, then simply leaves them there... or even worse, that gimp who left (most of) his wife in a wheelie bin not far off SH1 for the cops to find *real* quick. I've always held to the philosophy... 'in for a penny; in for a pound'- i.e if you're gonna commit the act, you might as well do your best to get away with it. This does *not* mean leaving town, or simply dumping the body somewhere obvious, as is far too often the case. So, for the record, I present: What To Do When Someone Dies: A Practical Guide. So, you finally did it. Congratulations. Before you start planning your next one, there are a few practical considerations, such as the 150 lbs of soon-to-be-rotting meat slumped across your kitchen floor. First: "did anyone see you?" YES: You're fucked. Head for the airport. NO: Gooood. But you're not clear yet. First, you'd better get the house cleaned. For ease of handling, I recommend putting the corpse (and the weapon) into a sturdy plastic bag, and securing with duct tape (remember not to get your fingerprints on the tape- you might as well use printer's ink- I recommend white cotton gloves, since white cotton is the grey sedan of the fabrics world... make it hard for the forensics team). Use plenty of bags to prevent awkward leakage in your house and/or the trunk of your car. Once the corpse is tidily stashed away, it's time to clean up the scene. Use a high-grade, *undiluted* bleach to clean any stained surfaces. Bet you wish you'd done the deed in the bathroom now, don't you? Obviously, it'd be a good idea to get rid of the corpse before the police start poking their noses around and making things awkward. Depending on the temperature, a fresh corpse will last 2-4 days before it gets real hard to conceal- longer, if you have a chest freezer. Select your disposal site carefully. I recommend visiting it at least once *before* you take the body out there, to check for passers by, etc. Then, when you're ready, load up the car. I recommend that this operation be done at night as a) there are less people on the streets, and b) it's harder for anyone to make out what that big package is that you're loading into the car. Review of disposal options: 1: Best option- cemetary. Most graves are dug at least 12 hours before they are needed. Dig about 3 feet deeper into the hole, deposit, and re-cover. If it isn't found before the next funeral, odds are it never will be. 2: Burial at sea. Not bad, but the logistics can be tricky. Best to get as far from the coast as possible and stay right away from popular dive spots. If you think this really is the best option for you (no accounting for taste), remember: the body will bloat with gas after a couple of days as the internmal organs begin to decay. so *at the scene*, make a number of deep punctures to allow the gas to escape. Also, weight the body *real* well (80-100 kg's at least is a good bet). 3: DIY burial. This is real risky. Best bet is to do it where noone in their right mind would want to look, ie down old mine shaft, nuclear waste disposal site etc... Either way, remember, dig Deep! You can't skimp on hovel time when it's either that or a lifetime grabbing your heels in the showers at Poremoremo. When you're finished, try not to make it look like someone's just buried a corpse there. Gravel, sand or bark chips can be used to good effect. 4: Other. Now we're talking... use your imagination. Industrial meat grinders, acid baths, etc may seem flashy, but remember that just becayse the skin and flesh is gone, that doesn't mean all the evidence is gone too. If you have to, retrieve the teech and bones for further attention. When all this is done, get rid of the clothes you were wearing. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, don't incinerate them at home!!!!! Drive the length of SH1, pick a gas station at random, and leave them in the Salvation Army's clothing bin. Finally, the biggest most important factor in keeping it all behind you, is to keep your big mouth shut. You don't want some asshole grassing you in to the cops and ruining all yourgood work just so he can deal his way out of a shoplifting charge now, do you. Hope this helps. Good luck, and good hunting. dave Steve Wrathall wrote: > Scooter wrote: > > > >A bit of a morbid question to ask I know and it's not happened yet but > > >if there is anyone who could tell me the procedures to go through when > > >a family member dies I would appreciate it.z > > Cut them up and put them in the freezer with the others.