From: Simon Lyall Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [rec.arts.books.tolkien] The Lord of the Bogs (was: The Toilets of Middle Earth) Date: 2 Jun 1998 10:34:24 +0200 Subject: The Lord of the Bogs (was: The Toilets of Middle Earth) From: John Dean Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien On 22 May 1998, Prembone wrote: > I love the following exchange, and cannot resist commenting upon it: > > Also sprach Carl Anderson: Doubtless toilet facilities existed in > Middle-earth, even though I don't remember any mentions of them. > > [Prem's comment: I would say this is a reasonable assumption, unless > the Professor T. envisioned a radically different human biology from what > we know in the real world.] The soul is moved by such epic and elegiac matters: "The Bog Poem", with apologies to JRRT Three Bogs for the elven-kings, where their slender bottoms fit Seven for the Dwarf-Lords, on their loos of stone Nine for Mortal Men doomed to sit One for the Dark Lord when his bowels moan In the Land of Mordor, where even the Shadows shit One Bog to rule them all, One Bog a great cup One Bog where you land wet on your ass when someone leaves the seat up In the Land of Morder, where even the Shadows shit The epic story opens with "A Long Expected Bowel Movement"... For further readings, one is refered to Humphrey Carpenters _The Shitlings_ (OUP, 1981), _Poems Scratched on the Wall of the Gentlemen's in Harrod's_, Enoch Powell, (CUP, 1976), "The Practical Dilema of Wiping one's Bottom in Feudal Europe as made manifest in the 'Chanson de Willam'" by C.S. Lewis (_PMLA_ #39.4, 1947, pp347-366 ff), and JRRT's own translation of _Sir Gawain and the Green Wedgie_ (Unwin, 1925) (I would feel quite ashamed at this, and feel that I've missed the point of the whole discussion. But hey, when the Muse has to go, the Muse has to go.)