From: diablo@isis.netherworld.com Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [news.admin.net-abuse.email] America's Newest Super Hero: LARTMAN! (Repost with typos fixed). Date: 13 Jul 1998 10:05:22 GMT Subject: America's Newest Super Hero: LARTMAN! (Repost with typos fixed). From: "James A. Cooley" Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email, alt.stop.spamming I see America's newest Super Hero: Lartman! Rumored to be a mild-mannered Cartel Lumber company employee by day (tisCLc), at night he battles to save the Internet from all that threatens it as Lartman! Armed only with an intimate knowledge of routing headers and a solid pine "clue-by-four", he tracks evil to the source and "terminates" it. Trained by a mysterious master known only as AB, Lartman was "created" when his beloved emailbox (justaregularguy@aol.com) was cratered by a revenge-spam mailbomb. "Never again" our determined soon-to-be-hero vows and begins his lengthy training in the shrouded ways of the sooper sekrit spam warriors cabal (tinssswc). Now the stealthy evil-doers of the UCE squad face his unending wrath. No "bullet-proof" spamhaus is safe! No "spambone" remains unbroken! With the help of his sidekick, the trusty "Sam Spade", Lartman runs each invader of his domain to ground. He never gives up, he never gives in. Spam him, and you might as well spread butter on your Internet account -- because it is now smoking toast. Become a rogue ISP and you find he has made you as lonely as a Maytag (tm) repairman. Not even your own mom will accept your traffic! Even once-proud "Spam Kings" now crawl away from the wreckage of their former empires and beg to assist the clearly emerging victors in the junk email wars. They wave a tattered pink flag in defeat, and repent to all that will hear them (or hire them). Lawsuits are threatened by the spamrats' main henchman, the dreaded "Cartooney", and repeated by his creepy cadre of "free speach" advocates, AKA the sock-puppets. The forces of Deluge Me Again (or DMA) fight back, and seek to use the dreaded "Murkoskifier" on our hero -- but he evades them again and again. He regularly foils such foes as "Da Shadow", "Zitty", and Snotty Scotty. Trolls tremble, and even MMF hucksters goes MIA when Lartman's name is uttered on the bilker boards. Looney Maroons turn pale and Clueless Newbies wise up when the deadly work of Lartman is seen in a perfect "kill". Something about the rapidity of the merciless nuking makes everyone in the Pork Patrol shudder. It was just "too good" to have been done by a mere mortal. Who is this mysterious avenger? Can he somehow be turned to the "pink side"? Perhaps an offer of unlimited porn-site passwords and the "top name" spot on every Internet chain letter might tempt him? Not a chance! Our hero is not only resistant to cheesy cyber-sleaze, he knows math, too! The press remains largely unaware of Lartman's role, except for one unnamed reporter he trusts. She is known only as "Golden Miniskirt" and may even know Lartman's real screen name. Her real identity is kept secret to protect her and her private emailbox from Lartman's many foes. The Associated Spammers Society tries to rally support for their cause, but only makes an ASS of itself in the attempt. Lartman is given support by millions, betrayed by none. He is feted as "one of us" (tinu) by the spam-plagued netizens. How is he summoned to assist? A plea in news.admin.net-abuse.email is said to be enough to get him to "opt-in" to help out. Now this is a cause worth fighting for -- and a real hero for our times!