From: Richard Lancashire Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [uk.adverts.personals] Re: My nae is svetlana,I`m intelligent,preety and I`m seek a man for marriage Date: 30 Jan 1998 07:01:24 GMT [Moderator's note: The following article is rot13-encrypted because of potentially offensive material. If you suspect this will be the case, do NOT decrypt it. It is your decision. See disclaimer below. See the FAQ posting for information on how to decrypt this article.] Fhowrpg: Er: Zl anr vf firgynan,V`z vagryyvtrag,cerrgl naq V`z frrx n zna sbe zneevntr Sebz: "Fronfgvna Pebjyrl" Arjftebhcf: hx.nqiregf.crefbanyf FW jebgr: >Fvzba Jvyxvafba jebgr: > >> >> V unir unq gjb tveyf va n orq gjvpr va zl yvsr...vg jnf urnira......gur >> erfg bs zl yvsr unf orra hggre tneontr....ohg v guvax v tbg n tbbq qrny >> > >Lbh'ir whfg pbasrffrq gung gb fvk qvssrerag arjftebhcf, Fvzba. Ohg qba'g >jbeel, V'z fher lbhe frperg vf fnsr jvgu "irtnf.crefbanyf.sfz".... > >Pna V or abfrl, Fvzba, naq nfx ubj lbhe zrantrf pnzr nobhg? Jrer gurl >cer-cynaarq be fcbagnarbhf? Vg jnf n pbyq naq jrg Qrprzore avtug, ohg V jnf ubg. Ubg sbe npgvba. V'z abg gnyxvat oenjyvat nebhaq va onef orngvat gur yvivat qnlyvtugf bhg bs nal thl jub fb zhpu nf ybbxrq va zl qverpgvba, V'z gnyxvat gur bgure xvaq bs npgvba. V'z gnyxvat qvegl. V'z gnyxvat "frk" xvaq bs ubg. V'z gnyxvat ab-fgevatf nqhyg sha. V'q orra gnvyvat guvf oebnq sbe nobhg n jrrx naq n unys. Fur jnf n onor. Yrtf sebz gur naxyr evtug hc gb jurer gurl fgbccrq, ng gur uvc. Gurfr jrer frevbhf uvcf. Gurl ernq Funxrfcrner sbe sha. Vs gurl jrera'g pheil, gura Tunaqv jnfa'g n yvggyr thl jvgu tynffrf. Naq vs Tunaqv jnf n yvggyr thl jvgu tynffrf, gura gubfr tynffrf jrer fgrnzrq hc. V guvax vg unq fbzrguvat gb qb jvgu gur snpg gung vg jnf vzcbffvoyr gb gnxr lbhe rlrf bss guvf tvey'f gvgf. Naq vs lbh jrera'g ybbxvat ng ure gvgf, lbh jrer ybbxvat ng ure nff. Naq gubfr uvcf. Naq ure yrtf. V arneyl tbg n tbbq pyrne ybbx ng ure snpr, ohg V jnf gnvyvat ure, naq zl rlrf jrer bpphcvrq. Abg gung xvaq bs gnvyvat ure. Gung jbhyq pbzr yngre. Jvgu ure sevraq. Nobhg fvk gvzrf. Fb V'q orra sbyybjvat ure nebhaq sbe nobhg n jrrx naq n unys, gelvat gb trg jvfr gb ure zbirf, svaq bhg jurer fur yvirq, qenax, ngr, gbbx n qhzc, nyy gur xvaqf bs guvatf n thl yvxr zr arrqrq gb xabj nobhg n tvey yvxr ure. Fb nsgre gur gjryir-zbagu erfgenvavat beqre unq rkcverq, V fgnegrq sbyybjvat ure ntnva. Ohg guvf gvzr V jnf fzneg. V ernyvfrq gung vs fur fnj zr V'q or onpx va gur cra, onpx va gur pna, orvat gnxra hc gur nff ol Zvpxrl "Gbb Qnatrebhf Gb Fgnaq Arkg Gb Ba Gur Fhojnl" ZpIvbyrag. V qvqa'g jnag gung gb unccra. V jnf fgvyy yrneavat ubj gb jnyx fgenvtug ntnva, naq tbg gur srryvat gung vs V ghearq hc va gur P Oybpx wbua fb fbba nsgre ynfg gvzr, Ovt Zvpxrl ZpI jbhyq guvax jr jrer znqr sbe rnpu bgure naq gel naq bssre zr uvf evat. Abg gung xvaq bs evat. N tbyqra evat; na ratntrzrag evat. Gur xvaq bs evat lbh trg juvpu fnlf "V YBIR LBH, JR JRER ZNQR SBE RNPU BGURE, V JNAG GB CHZC TNYYBAF BS FRZRA HC LBHE NFF". Abobql jrag arne Zvpxrl ZpI'f evat. Uvf bgure evat. Zbfgyl orpnhfr gurl jrer orag sbejneq bire gur pna, naq pbhyqa'g ernpu vg. Orfvqrf, uvf nff jnf n yhzc bs zhfpyr gung pbhyq unir fcyvg lbh va unys. Ohg V'z qvterffvat. Fb V fgnegrq gnvyvat ure ntnva. Abg gung xvaq bs gnvyvat. Gur bgure xvaq. Gung jbhyq pbzr yngre. Jvgu ure sevraq. Gur oybaqr bar. V tbg zlfrys n qvfthvfr. Sebz gur znvyzna. Ur qvqa'g rknpgyl tvir vg gb zr, V xvaq bs fgbyr vg. Abg gung xvaq bs "tvir vg gb zr". Jryy, znlor V obeebjrq vg. Ur jnfa'g hfvat vg nalzber. Ol gur gvzr V'q ernyvfrq vg jnf uvz, gur znvyzna, naq abg Zvpxrl ZpI, jub jnf fgvyy va gur cra -- ohg ubj jnf V fhccbfrq gb xabj gung? -- ur jnf nyernql qrnq. Ur uvg gur sybbe yvxr n gheq snyyvat sebz ... n ernyyl ovt urvtug. N xvaqbs guhzcl, fcynfuvat fbhaq. Gung jnf uvf zvyxfunxr. Fb V gbbx uvf havsbez. Tbg vg qel-pyrnarq naq gur ubyrf qnearq. Vg ybbxrq nf tbbq nf arj. Gubfr Puvarfr cynprf ner nznmvat. V unq zl qvfthvfr, naq V fgnegrq sbyybjvat ure ntnva. Ol gur gvzr V'q rnearq cnebyr V jnf hfvat gnzcnk. Qba'g nfx jung sbe. Zvpxrl ZpI jnf ybat tbar. Ur wbvarq n Pbairag, sbhaq uvf pnyyvat. Trenyq "Bu Fuvg" YnzOnqn jnf vagb zr ol guvf gvzr, naq vagb zr n ovt jnl. Nyy gur jnl qbja. Fbzrgvzrf V pbhyq qnza arne gnfgr gur thl. Fbzrgvzrf V unq gb gnfgr gur thl, ab bcgvba. Ohg V tbg bhg naq fgnegrq gnvyvat guvf oebnq ntnva. V qba'g arrq gb gryy lbh gung vg jnfa'g gung xvaq bs gnvyvat. Fb V jnf sbyybjvat ure ntnva. Gheaf bhg fur jnf zneevrq jvgu guerr xvqf, nyy grrantref. Jura V'q svefg fcbggrq ure fur jnf n Serfuzna va Pbyyrtr. V xarj V unq gb or ernyyl, ernyyl pnershy guvf gvzr. V jrag gb n Gurnger fhccyl cynpr bss Oebnqjnl naq eragrq n pbfghzr. N Pybja'f pbfghzr. V svtherq, gung jnf zr. N pybja. Punfvat guvf oebnq, guvf zneevrq oebnq, jvgu guerr ernyyl phgr qnhtugref. Vs vg jnfa'g vyyrtny, V jbhyq unir fjvgpurq zl gnvy gb gur qnhtugref. Bar bs gur qnhtugref. Znlor nyy bs gurz, whfg gb or fher. Ohg V svtherq gur xvqf jrer gbb byq gb trg Zbz gb uver zr sbe bar bs gurve oveguqnl cnegvrf. Vs V jnagrq gb gnfgr gurve pnxrf, V jnf tbvat gb unir gb qb vg ba zl bja gvzr. Qerffrq nf n pybja. Ubcrshyyl haqerffrq. Gur cebfcrpgf jrer trggvat oyrnxre bs rire jrnevat zl oveguqnl fhvg va nalguvat ohg nyy-znyr pbzcnal ntnva, ohg V gubhtug, "Url. V'z n zna. Guvf vf jung zra qb." Gheaf bhg gur Pybja pbfghzr jnf n onq vqrn. Gbb pbafcvphbhf. V arneyl tbg zl nff xvpxrq onpx gb gur cra sbe ohfgvat zl cnebyr, ohg gur obneq gbbx xvaqyl ba zr jura V ershfrq gb fvg qbja. V pbhyqa'g fvg qbja. V jbhyq unir fjnyybjrq gur punve. V tbg nabgure pbfghzr. Fgerrg pyrnare. V sbyybjrq ure nebhaq sbe n jrrx, sbhaq bhg jurer fur yvirq, ngr, qenax, gbbx n qhzc. Gur fvqr bs gur orq fur fyrcg va. Ure uhfonaqf snibhevgr cbfvgvba ("Sng Zbaxrl Fdhrnyvat, Unccl Puvpxra Vebavat Fuveg Rngvat Fxvaarq Onanan Hcfvqr-Qbja"). Ure snibhevgr cbfvgvba ("jungrire"). Ure ryqrfg qnhtugre'f snibhevgr cbfvgvba ("Cyht Gur Zbaxrl"). Ure lbhatrfg qnhtugref snibhevgr cbfvgvba ("Gjb Zbaxrlf, Obgu Tveyf"). Ure bgure qnhtugre'f snibhevgr cbfvgvba ("Zbaxrl Rng Pbasrffvbany Onanan, Fxvaarq, Fjnyybj Jubyr, Fvat Va Pubve"). V sbhaq bhg zber guna V arrqrq gb xabj. Jung V arrqrq gb xabj, jnf guvf: Vs V tbg ure qehax rabhtu, jbhyq fur fvg ba zl snpr? Guvf unccl snzvyvrf qrny jnf trggvat zr qbja. V xarj gurer jnf ab jnl V pbhyq rire pbzcrgr. Fb V jrag gb n one, beqrerq n orre, fjvgpurq gb n fpbgpu, gura fjvgpurq onpx gb gur orre, naq onpx gb gur fpbgpu, hagvy gur onezna ybbxrq ng zr va n jnl gung erzvaqrq zr bs Zvpxrl ZpI, fb V obhtug gur one, gur jubyr guvat. Gnoyrf, punvef, jnvgerffrf -- jung n ohapu bs jnvgerffrf -- naq V jnf va ohfvarff. N srj qnlf yngre, gur qbbe bcrarq. Vg jnf Qrprzore. N Qrprzore avtug. Pbyq. Jrg. Qernel. Naq V jnf ubg. Gur nve pbaqvgvbavat jnf qrnq. V fubg vg nppvqragnyyl, V gubhtug vg jnf gur znvyzna. Naq va jnyxrq gur onor, gur oebnq, gur bar V'q orra gnvyvat nyy gurfr lrnef naq fgvyy unqa'g znantrq gb gnvy. Fur jnf ybbxvat tbbq, erny tbbq, sbe n jbzna bs ure ntr. Fur beqrerq n orre. Beqrerq n fpbgpu. V arneyl fbyq ure gur one. Fur frggyrq ba n fpbgpu. Fur ybbxrq ng zr, xvaq bs dhvmmvpny. Fur xarj jub V jnf. "Url, onexrrc," fur fnvq. Fur jnf gnyxvat gb zr. V jnf gur onexrrc. V bjarq gur one, V xrcg gur one. V jnf gur onexrrc. "Qba'g V xabj lbh sebz fbzrcynpr?" "Znlor lbh qb, znlor lbh qba'g," V fnvq, ercylvat gb jung fur'q whfg fnvq. Gung'f ubj pbairefngvba jbexf. Fbzrobql fnlf fbzrguvat, lbh fnl fbzrguvat onpx. Naq gel naq znxr fher gung vg unf fbzrguvat gb qb jvgu jung gurl whfg fnvq, be ryfr gurl'yy ybbx ng lbh xvaq bs shaal. "V'z whfg n onexrrc, ornhgvshy." "Lbh'er abg whfg n onexrrc," fur fnvq, jvgu gung xvaq bs ybbx juvpu fnlf, "V'z tbvat gb fnl fbzrguvat ryfr". V xrcg zl zbhgu fuhg naq jnvgrq. "Lbh'er gur thl gung V unq frag gb gur cra sbe sbyybjvat zr nebhaq." "Znlor V nz, znlor V'z abg," V fnvq, nygubhtu jr obgu xarj gung V jnf. "Jungrire." Fur gbbx n fyht bs gur fpbgpu. "Lbh fgvyy unir gur ubgf sbe zr?" "Znlor V qb, znlor V qba'g," V fnvq. Gung fragrapr pbafgehpgvba jnf trggvat xvaq bs naablvat ol abj. V erfbyirq gb punatr vg jvgu zl arkg fragrapr. "Vg jbhyqa'g fhecevfr zr vs lbh qvqa'g, lbh xabj," fur fnvq, xvaq bs fnq. "Zl uhfonaq vf shpxvat gur tvey arkg qbbe. Fur'f rvtugrra. Gvgf gung cbvag gb urnira. Zvar cbvag gb gur sybbe." V ybbxrq. gurl qvq. "Lbh ybbx ornhgvshy gb zr," V fnvq. Fur qvq. V unqa'g unq frk sbe ... n ybat gvzr. Abg, thl-tvey frk, nf bccbfrq gb thl-thl'f nffubyr frk. Nal oebnq jbhyq ybbx tbbq gb zr. Ohg gung'f abg gur cbvag. Fur jnf fgvyy n tbbq ybbxvat oebnq, tenivgl be ab tenivgl. Ure uhfonaq jnf fhpu n wrex. V gbyq ure fb. "Lbh'er uhfonaq'f fhpu n wrex," V fnvq, "Nyy gung Sng Zbaxrl Fdhrnyvat, Unccl Puvpxra Vebavat Fuveg Rngvat Fxvaarq Onanan Hcfvqr-Qbja fuvg. Trgf ba zl areirf." "Lbh naq zr obgu," fur fnvq, fzvyvat. "Ur qbrfa'g ybir zr nalzber, nalubj. Ur whfg hfrf zr rirel fb bsgra jura gur arvtuobhe'f njnl. Jr'er trggvat qvibeprq. Ur'f zneelvat ure. Fur'f orfg sevraqf jvgu zl lbhatrfg qnhtugre." "Jubn, gung tvey trgf nebhaq. Naq V qba'g zrna lbhe qnhtugre." "V'z xvaqn ybaryl," fur fnvq. "Zbfg rirelobql vf, qbyy-snpr." "V'z xvaqn ubg." "Gung'f gur nve pbaqvgvbavat. V gubhtug vg jnf gur znvyzna." "Lbh rire gubhtug nobhg qbvat vg jvgu zr? Lbh xabj, univat frk?" V xarj jung fur zrnag gur svefg gvzr. Tbq, V xarj. V qebccrq n tynff. Vg fznfurq. Gur onfr qvqa'g ernpu gur sybbe. Vg fng ba gur raq bs zl crpxre juvpu jnf crpxvat hc ng gur pebgpu bs zl cnagf. "Bapr be gjvpr," V fnvq. "Yrg'f tb qb vg." "V unir gb xrrc one." "V qba'g pner." "V pner. Guvf cynpr vf zl oernq naq ohggre." "Trg uvz gb ybbx nsgre vg," fur fnvq, ybbxvat ng gur bgure onexrrc, gur bar V'q obhtug gur one bss naq jnf fgvyy rzcyblvat, gur bar jub unqa'g yvsgrq n tynff va sberire. "Jr pbhyq tb hcfgnvef." "Hcfgnvef vf n cvmmn wbvag. Orggre vs jr tb onpx gb zl cynpr." Jr yrsg. Tbg vagb n pno. Gur pnoqevire jnf n tvey. Oybaqr puvpx jvgu fubeg unve. Zvq-gjragvrf. Phgr. Erny phgr. Fznyy. Fur jnf fvggvat ba gryrcubar qverpgbevrf. "Jurer lbh thlf urnqrq?" V gbyq ure. Fur qebir. Fur jnf xvaq bs gnyxngvir. Gheaf bhg gung gur gjb oebnqf hfrq gb xabj rnpu bgure sbe n juvyr. Zl oebnq hfrq gb grnpu xvqf gb qevir. Gur pnoqevire syhaxrq rvtug gvzrf. Ol gur gvzr jr tbg gb zl ncnegzrag jr'q orra ba gur ebnq rvtug ubhef. V yvirq fvk oybpxf qbja sebz gur one. Gur pnoqevire tvey fnvq fur xarj fubeg-phg. V fnvq "Lbh *unir* n fubeg-phg," V gbyq ure. "Gurer vf ab fubeg-phg." Vg jnf n fgenvtug ebnq. Ol gur gvzr jr tbg gb zl cynpr jr jrer nyy tbbq ohqqvrf naq zl oebnq jnf bss gur obvy. Fb vaivgrq gur pnool va, gbb, naq beqrerq n cvmmn. Zrkvpna. Ubg. Jr ngr gur cvmmn. Vg jnf arneyl fvk n.z.; gur tveyf jrer orng. Fb jnf V. V gbbx gur pbhpu. gurl gbbx gur orq. Nsgre nyy gurfr lrnef bs qernzvat bs trggvat gung oebnq vagb zl orq, gurer fur jnf. Naq zber guna gung, gurer fur jnf va zl orq jvgu nabgure oebnq. Vg jnf urnira, rkprcg gung V jnf ba gur pbhpu. V tbg hc gur arkg zbeavat, gbbx gurz pbssrr. Gurl jrer obgu fgvyy gurer, va orq. Bayl gurl jrer rngvat rnpu bgure. Rngvat rnpu bgure yvxr gur cvmmn jr'q nyy funerq ynfg avtug, rkprcg gur cvmmn jr'q nyy funerq jnf Zrkvpna. Gurer jnf ab ghan va gung obk. Vg jnf n onq cha. V chg gur cha qbja naq fgrccrq njnl sebz gur cha. Abguvat gb frr urer, zbir nybat, zbir nybat. Yngre, gurl pnzr qbjafgnvef. Jryy, gurl jnyxrq qbja gur fgnvef. Obgu bs gurz unq ovt tevaf ba gurve snprf. Gheaf bhg gur oebnq jnf n yrfovna. Obgu bs gurz jrer yrfovnaf. Gurl qvt rnpu bgure. Qht ghaaryf. Fgbccrq sbe yhapu, nyy fjrngl sebz gur gbvy. Fur qvqa'g xabj vg. Abj fur qvq. Naq fur jnf ubg. Gur nve-pbaqvgvbavat. Fnzr guvat. "V unir gb gunax lbh," fnvq gur oebnq. "Jvgubhg bhg lbh ... V ... Jvgu lbh, vg jbhyq unir orra whfg nabgure fjrng fbnxrq uneq urgrebfrkhny shpx, erjneqvat va vgf bja jnl ohg hygvzngryl hafngvfslvat. Ohg vs vg unqa'g orra sbe lbh ... jr ... hf ... jr jbhyq arire unir sbhaq rnpu bgure." V fzvyrq. Yvsr fhpxrq. Gur oebnq qvqa'g. Zl jevfg jnf npuvat naq zl onyyf jrer fber. V'q orra orngra bss yvsr'f genpx ntnva. "Jungrire, shaal-snpr," V fnvq. "Yrg zr whfg nfx lbh bar guvat. Anzr gur svefg xvq nsgre zr." "Jr jvyy," fur fnvq. Gurl yrsg. Gurl qvqa'g nfx zr zl anzr, fb V xabj fur jnf ylvat. Naljnl. Gurer'f guvf bgure oebnq. Jbexf va n fubr fgber. GUR RAQ