Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
From: mec@shell.portal.com (Michael Edward Chastain)
Subject: Transcripts from the General Motors help line
Date: Thu, 26 Nov 1998 7:20:01 PST

[This is original.  I made it up myself.]

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how
to drive.  Imagine if they did ...

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*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
*Customer:* "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
*HelpLine:* "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
*Customer:* "What's an ignition?"
*HelpLine:* "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
*Customer:* "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

            ------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
*Customer:* "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
*HelpLine:* "Is the gas tank empty?"
*Customer:* "Huh?  How do I know?"
*HelpLine:* "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"
*Customer:* "It's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"
*HelpLine:* "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself or pay the
vendor to install it for you."
*Customer:* "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes
with everything built in!"

            ------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
*Customer:* "Your cars suck!"
*HelpLine:* "What's wrong?"
*Customer:* "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
*HelpLine:* "What were you doing?"
*Customer:* "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor.  It worked for a while and then it crashed and
it won't start now!
*HelpLine:* "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do you
expect us to do about it?"
*Customer:* "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!"

            ------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
*Customer:* "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, and power door locks."
*HelpLine:* "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
*Customer:* "How do I work it?"
*HelpLine:* "Do you know how to drive?"
*Customer:* "Do I know how to what?"
*HelpLine:* "Do you know how to drive?"
*Customer:* "I'm not a technical person.  I just want to go places in my car!"

--
Michael Chastain
mec@shell.portal.com