Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
Subject: The Computer Expert's Glossary
From: Jeff@malibu.sedd.trw.com (Jeff Pesis)
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 97 19:20:03 EDT



          {point ADA:}  Something you need to know the name of to be an
          Expert in Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had
          better develop an ADA awareness."

          {point Bug:}  An elusive creature living in a program that
          makes it incorrect.  The activity of "debugging," or removing
          bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it,
          not when the bugs are removed.

          {point Cache:}  A very expensive part of the memory system of
          a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

          {point Design:}  What you regret not doing later on.

          {point Documentation:}  Instructions translated from Swedish
          by Japanese for English speaking persons.

          {point Economies of scale:}  The notion that bigger is
          better.  In particular, that if you want a certain amount of
          computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a
          bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith by people
          who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected as
          an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
          those limitations.

          {point Hardware:}  The parts of a computer system that can be
          kicked.

          {point Information Center:}  A room staffed by professional
          computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot
          have the information you require.

          {point Information Processing:}  What you call data
          processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't
          let it be discussed in their presence.

          {point Machine-independent program:}  A program that will not
          run on any machine.

          {point Meeting:}  An assembly of computer experts coming
          together to decide what person or department not represented
          in the room must solve the problem.

          {point Minicomputer:}  A computer that can be afforded on the
          budget of a middle-level manager.

          {point Office Automation:}  The use of computers to improve
          efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to
          talk with over coffee.

          {point On-line:}  The idea that a human being should always
          be accessible to a computer.

          {point Pascal:}  A programming language named after a man who
          would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

          {point Performance:}  A statement of the speed at which a
          computer system works.  Or rather, might work under certain
          circumstances.  Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey
          about a month ago.

          {point Priority:}  A statement of the importance of a user or
          program.  Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating
          that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long
          as he is treated less badly than someone else.

          {point Quality control:}  Assuring that the quality of a
          product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its
          manufacture or design.

          {point Regression analysis:}  Mathematical techniques for
          trying to understand why things are getting worse.

          {point Strategy:}  A long-range plan whose merit cannot be
          evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left
          the organization.

          {point Systems programmer:}  A person in sandals who has been
          in the elevator with the senior vice president and is
          ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive
          from your boss.  (my favorite!)