From: "Michael R. Grabois" <orbit@ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [sci.space.policy] Cassini Explodes
Date: 17 Oct 1997 08:39:00 -0700

Subject: Re: Cassini Explodes 
From: Jeramie.Hicks@mail.utexas.edu (Jeramie Hicks)
Newsgroups: sci.space.policy

RUBBER INDUSTRY FACES UNCERTAIN FUTURE

With the explosion of the plutonium-laden Saturn probe Cassini on
Thursday morning in low earth orbit, various professionals in the
medical community began voicing their concerns about the health of
humans below.

"We're scared about our future," said Dr. Steven Ivanovich, a
fertility expert at the University of Tennessee. "We've seen a
massively sharp decline in the fertility of our patients, indicating
that the radiation dosage from the Cassini explosion is seriously
affecting our reproductive systems." Dr. Ivanovich continued to
explain how the radiation from Cassini has lowered our fertility rates
to hazardous levels, lower than any level experienced in recorded
medical history.

Trojan announced today a massive layoff of 50,000 workers, citing
today's shaky future for birth control devices. Lobbyists in Congress
have drafted an emergency bill to outlaw birth control devices
immediately, pending further investigation into the future population
levels of mankind.

"Throw them out," says Ivanovich. "Mankind is going to need all the
sex it can take to keep us alive for the next few decades."