From: michels@informatik.uni-kl.de
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d] Re: [alt.folklore.urban] Re: The scarf in the wagon wheel
Date: 1 Sep 1998 13:23:09 GMT

Subject: Re: [alt.folklore.urban] Re: The scarf in the wagon wheel 
From: pstolarc@toast.micronetix.net.flonk.flonk.flonk (Somebody)
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d

Hank Zimmerman, the smeghead, wrote:
}AUNTIESPAM.dstreeter@ameritech.net (David S) wrote:
}
}>At the point in the space/time continuum known as 27 Aug 1998 
}>04:01:25 GMT, the state of the universe as viewed by 
}>batman@mb5000.anes.upmc.edu (Bill E Madden Jr.) was thus:
}>
}>>: One word: child prodigy
}>>
}>>Isn't that action illegal in all 50 states, and several 
}>>protectorates?
}>
}>Wow! A reply in a.h.b-o-u.d that's somewhere near being funny! I may

}>faint of shock.
}
}I will send out the cancel immediately.

Or, at worst, somehow work the Dead Parrot sketch into it.  That way
it's sure to be posted to a.h.b-o-u.

The scene:  A netizen posts to a.h.b-o-u.d

Netizen: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The moderator does not respond.)

Netizen: 'Ello, Miss?

Moderator: What do you mean "miss"?

Netizen: I'm sorry, I can't figure out finger. I wish to make a
complaint!

Moderator: We're closin' for lunch.

Netizen: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this post
what I downloaded not half an hour ago from this very newsgroup.

Moderator: Oh yes, the, uh, the BEM Jr post...What's,uh...What's wrong
with it?

Netizen: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's funny,
that's what's wrong with it!

Moderator: No, no, not another Monty Python, dead parrot type post.

Netizen: Look, matey, I know a funny post when I see one, and I'm
looking at one right now.

Moderator: Please stop.  I refuse to follow the script.  I've seen too
many of these as it is.

Netizen: The plumage don't enter into it. It's funny.

Moderator: Nononono, no, no! MAKE THE BAD MAN GO AWAY.

Netizen: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the post)
'Ello, Mister Post! I've got a lovely fresh repost for you if you
show...
(Moderator hits the cage)

Moderator: Stop that right now.  I'll not be having it.  This has just
gotten downright silly.

Netizen: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Moderator: Oh, I might as well give in.

Netizen: Yes, you did!

Moderator: After all, no matter what I say, he's just going to keep on
posting.

Netizen: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly)'ELLO POSTY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing!
This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes post out of the cage and thumps its header on the counter.
Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Netizen: Now that's what I call a funny post.

Moderator: This is stunning.

Netizen: STUNNED?!?

Moderator: Yeah! Stunning that YOU HAVEN'T GONE AWAY YET.  LEAVE ME
ALONE YOU STUPID GIT!  GO AWAY!

Netizen: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of
this. That post is definitely humorous, and when I downloaded it not
'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of seriousness
was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged
flamewar.

Moderator: Well, I'm...I'm, ah...pining for the days before they
started posting stupid parrot sketches all the time.

Netizen: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?,
look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Moderator: I mean, really, how many parrot sketches can you possibly
post.  

Netizen: Look, I took the liberty of examining that post when I got it
home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in the
newsgroup in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Moderator: I wish you were just nailed there.  

Netizen: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this post wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' laughable!

Moderator: No no! 'E's still at it!

Netizen: If you really don't like these parrot sketches, why didn't
you say so in the first place?

(pause)

Moderator: Well, I'd better replace it, then.  (he takes a quick peek
behind the counter)

Moderator: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop,
and uh, we're right out of posts.

Netizen: I see.  I see.  Once I leave the script, you're right back at
it again, aren't you?

Moderator: I got a slug.

(pause)

Netizen: I don't care about any stupid slugs.  I stopped the stupid
parrot sketch, why don't you?

Moderator: Nnnnot really.

Netizen: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY STOPPING THE SKETCH, IF YOU ARE SO
FED UP WITH IT?

Moderator: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I
wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!

Netizen: Figures.