From: "DOWDY,GLENN (A-Loveland,ex1)" Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.folklore.military] Lies (was: Re: I'm back) Date: 19 May 2000 20:07:35 GMT Subject: Lies (was: Re: I'm back) From: Doug Berry Newsgroups: alt.folklore.military On Wed, 17 May 2000 03:29:43 GMT, a butterfly in Costa Rica flapped its wings, causing James to write: > Got any more lies for us? Why yes I do.. Doug collects a fresh Corona from Red and strides to the front of the 404, takes a sip, and turns to the crowd. "No shit folks, there I was. I was all set to supervise the play testing of GT Ground Forces when the phone rang. It was some flunky from the JCS, they needed me for a mission. Within minutes, I was being whisked away to Hamilton AFB where a SR-71 waited to carry me to Washington. "I found myself in the Pentagon situation room, with the Joint Chiefs. Seems they needed some shooting done, and the computer told them that the best choice was a 33 year old game designer with Hodgkin's Disease and a misspelled tattoo. Being a proud American, I accepted the mission. The suitcases of money also helped with my decision making process. "After yet another SR-71 blast, I found myself in Casablanca, which was in color and lacked Nazis. It was here that I met my contact, Tania. "Tania, a goddess of the desert. Her skin was the color of the sands, her hair black as the night sky, her eyes like the setting sun, bright red. "'I can get you something for that pinkeye.' I told her. I then noticed that she had a pistol pointed at my few remaining operational organs. Acting quickly, I disarmed her. We ended up locked in a close embrace... "But nobody here is interested in a nine-hour sexual Olympics, so I'll move on.. Suffice to say they bruises are healing nicely. "We struck out across the desert to infiltrate Libya, where our target was hiding. The miles rolled past as Tania and I attempted to discover every erogenous possibility available in the back of a Mercedes truck with no shocks and less roads. "There was a spot of trouble at the Libyan border, since I spoke nothing but English, was wearing an Israeli Army t-shirt, and was carrying a sniper rifle and a map of Tripoli. But luckily Tania managed to barter our way across. She walked oddly for the next two days, which slowed our process. "Finally, Tripoli. I was still unclear as to our target's identity, but Tania assured me that I would know soon enough, while she did that thing with her braids and the hot oil.. but I digress. "Our position was prepared for us, the third floor of the historic "Line O' Death Hotel", with an excellent field of fire down Screw America and Britain Blvd. Tania and I set up escape routes, security, and had lots of wild sex. Ask me about the sunburn sometime. "Then came the day. Tania's contacts told us that our target was moving into the kill zone. She acted as my spotter. 'There!' she cried, 'Along the two red Renaults, wearing white shirt with pocket protector, blond hair and goatee.' I quickly acquired the target, but why this guy, I asked myself. "I realized that asking myself wasn't very useful, and asked Tania. "'That man is the lead programmer for Jar-Jar Binks for the next two Star wars films. Lucas has hidden him here for safety.' "Jar-Jar Binks? I took the shot. In fact, I took several shots. If I had had the time, I would have sent Tania out for more ammo, but we had to get to the roof where a helicopter would spirit us off to safety. "Between waiting for the helicopter and holding off the Libyans, we managed to have sex again. Doug finishes of his beer. "So now you know what I was really doing for the last two weeks. Red? My poor empty beer bottle is feeling awful lonely here.. care to bring him a few friends?"