From: Stacia Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.religion.kibology] Re: What we Hate Date: 29 Jan 1999 07:59:50 -0000 Subject: Re: What we Hate From: david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.slack.sputum [Reposted because the formatting sucked on the previous one, which I have now cancelled but you may have already seen it] In article <36AEBCF5.A42@ionet.net>, macnairnospam@ionet.net says... > A sin, an instant of rebellious pride of the intellect, made > Lucifer and a third part of the cohort of angels fall from their glory. > A sin,an instant of folly and weakness, drove Adam and Eve out of Eden > and brought death and suffering into the world. And now this sin can be washed away easily using the NEW DIDI-7 Brand Religion(tm)!! Geek With Fake British Accent: Look at this, Sue! A dirty, filthy soul! Bland TV Personality: Goodness, Mike... you'll NEVER EVER get that one clean! Might as well just throw it away! GWFBA: You would think so, wouldn't you? That would be typical of the post-modern nuclear consumerist American disposable society, of which people watching TV at 3am are DEFINITELY members. BTVP: I agree, Mike! So where's the trash can? GWFBA: Just one second, Sue. This soul looks pretty dirty right now, doesn't it? BTVP: Yes, Mike, it does. Those stains will NEVER come out! Right, audience? AUDIENCE: I'M NOT GOING TO PAY A LOT FOR THIS MUFFLER! BTVP: But... what are you doing with those Deadly Sins, Mike? GWFBA: OOOOPS! BTVP: Oh NO, Mike! You've spilled Greed and Lust all over the soul! Well, that's it: that soul will NEVER be clean! Will it, audience? AUDIENCE: BRING ON THE DANCING WOLVES! GWFBA: Oh dear, oh dear, Sue! And look at this! BTVP: Oh NO, Mike! This is awful! What's that horrible green stain on the edges of that dirty soul? GWFBA: That's Envy, Sue. But watch this... have you ever seen anyone hold Anger so close to an open flame? BTVP: Careful Mike, that might spark, and then you'll really have a mess on your hands. [SFX: FWWOOOOOM!! Soul ignites in mighty fireball, engulfing Geek With Fake British Accent, who runs around studio screaming while the audience yells "Drop and roll, Mike!" and giggles. Mechanical arm reaches out, yanks Geek With Fake British Accent offstage, replaces him with Geek With Fake British Accent #2. Sue has paused during this process, eyes dead. With the new Geek in place, she unfreezes.] BTVP: What did I tell you, Mike? That soul is RUINED! GWFBA#2: [Robotic voice] Booting... Booting... Windows CE 2.0 with Java^H^H^H^H BTVP: What did I tell you, Mike? That soul is RUINED! GWFBA#2: [Robotic] Device inaccessible BVTP: [Nervous, not used to being off-script] WHAT DID I TELL YOU, MIKE? [Badly-edited jump cut] BVTP: ...you, Mike? GWFBA: Ooh, you're right, Sue! Now this soul is all charred at the edges! And look! I can even cook a Hamburger on the flames! Man from Hamburg: [whimpering] Please... no... my children... BVTP: Oh, I don't believe THAT, Mike! GWFBA: But it's true! Watch THIS! Man from Hamburg: [Screams] BVTP: Mmmm... that actually smells quite good, Mike! But what about that soul? GWFBA: Oh, it's looking pretty bad, Sue. Look at that! It's covered with filth and grime and grease and masturbation! BVTP: Oh, that's terrible! It's burnt beyond all recognition, and Gluttony has eaten a huge hole right through the middle. Man from Hamburg: [Dies] GWFBA: Well Sue, how much do you think someone would pay to get that cleaned? BVTP: Oh, I don't know Mike. That soul looks pretty bad! I mean, once you figure in the laundry bill, the confession, the years of penance and titheing to the Church, the psychiatric bill to deal with pent-up agression, guilt and hostility against a dominant Christ-figure with a God-complex... we're talking maybe thousands of dollars here, Mike! GWFBA: AND that's not including the repairs to the reputation! BVTP: Exactly! Why, a good reputation cleansing can take an experienced professional months, if not YEARS to perform. Think of the bills! Oh, I couldn't say... what does the audience think? AUDIENCE: I HEARTILY APPROVE OF BILL CLINTON'S JOB PERFORMANCE. BTVP: OK, I'll go with the audience's guess, Mike. How about ten thousand dollars, all told? GWFBA: Well Sue... what would you say if I told you that I could get this soul completely clean for... [dramatic pause]... $100? AUDIENCE: BTVP: I'd say you must be MAD, Mike! GWFBA: OK, then... how about if I say $50? AUDIENCE: GWFBA: What if I were to say to you that I could get this soul so clean that you couldn't tell there was ever any sin on it AT ALL? BTVP: Not even Original Sin? GWFBA: That's RIGHT, Sue! AUDIENCE: BTVP: Then I'd never believe that price, Mike! GWFBA: Would you believe... $5.99? AUDIENCE: A POX ON YOUR FAMILY, FOR SEVEN GENERATIONS TO COME! BTVP: Never! GWFBA: Well, come over here to this table and let me show you something, Sue. This is a revolutionary new product, something that has never been offered for sale on TV before, a product that has just barely received permission to be sold over the counter due to its highly laxative effects, and I can GUARANTEE that THIS product will clean THAT soul. BTVP: That's a pretty heavy guarantee, Mike! What about your reputation if this fails? GWFBA: Ha ha, Sue, that's a good one. Well, look at this. What I have inside this tube is a cream that contains 100% Pure White Forgiveness DIDI-7 from Yahweh Industries! BTVP: Never heard of them. GWFBA: Him, Sue... Him. This cream can wash away dirt, it can wash away grease, it can wash away the guilt and anguish over sleeping with your father, it can EVEN WASH AWAY THOSE NASTY OPEN WEEPING SORES FROM THAT TIME YOU SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE! AUDIENCE: ET TU, BLUTO? BTVP: I'll believe it when I see it, Mike. GWFBA: And you will, Sue, you will. Bring that dirty soul over here and put it into this container of pure natural spring water. BTVP: I don't know if I want to touch that thing. GWFBA: TOUCH IT! TOUCH IT! BRING ME THE SOUL, DAMN YOU! AUDIENCE: I HAVE BEEN FOUND WANTING IN THE EYES OF THE LORD! BTVP: OK, here you go Mike. Yeesh, that soul's NEVER going to get into Heaven in THAT state! GWFBA: You mean Texas? BTVP: Ha ha... good one, Mike! But it's so filthy and covered in mortal sins! GWFBA: Just watch this, Sue. I put the soul into this opaque container filled with pure natural spring water. Now I put just a dab of the patented DIDI-7 cream in here, a little more water, stir it up with this giant spoon, and place the cover on the container. Now I'm going to place my hands on the cover, close my eyes, and tell you what the secret ingredient in 100% Pure White Forgiveness DIDI-7 is, Sue. BTVP: Oooh, I can't wait. Don't you want to know, audience? AUDIENCE: USE THE COMMAND-LINE INTERFACE FOR COMPLICATED TASKS! BTVP: I know I do! GWFBA: Well Sue, here's the million dollar secret. This secret ingredient has been developed in underground bunkers by the U.S. government in secret experiments that date back to 1951... the year of the Roswell crash! Coincidence? Probably, but bear with me, I've got a flimsy platform to sell this thing, and I'll need all the supernatural intervention I can get. The secret ingredient is... Faith! GWFBA: Faith, Mike? BTVP: Faith, Sue! GWFBA: But... but everyone has faith, Mike! Everybody has some leftover faith lying around their house, right? AUDIENCE: FAITH/OFF! BTVP: That's right Sue. What I want you to do is place your hands on this container as well, and close your eyes. Now all of you in the audience, and the viewers at home, I want you to close your eyes and picture the container filled with this sinful, dirty soul. Picture the greasy, smelly soul in its bath of liquids and DIDI-7, the soul drenched in sin, in impiety, in heresy and blasphemy. GWFBA: I... think... I think I've got it, Mike. Goodness, it's even filthier than I remembered it! BTVP: Now Sue... and the audience and the TV viewers at home, I want you to get that Faith that you have lying around in the closet, in the cupboard under the stairs, tucked away for a rainy day. I want you to get that Faith out and USE it! We're going to cleanse this soul today, we're going to heal it, we're going to get it spit shining new and place it back on the road to Heaven! Can you feel it? GWFBA: I can feel it, Lord! BTVP: Can you feel the POWER that comes from redemption? AUDIENCE: BREATHTAKING! HUMBLING! FIVE YEAR BUSINESS PLAN! BTVP: I can feel it, Lord! I can feel the power of 100% Pure White Forgiveness flowing through my body! Ohh... oh... the ecstasy, Mike, the ecstasy! GWFBA: ReLEASE the demons inside you, Sue! The Evil One lurks within you, waiting for an opportunity to strike you down with temptation, and make you stray from the ONE TRUE PATH that leads to Heaven's Door! BTVP: [speaking in tongues] GWFBA: FAITH, Sue, FAITH! The Faith that cures, the Faith that is by your side as you walk through the shadows of the Valley of DEATH, the Faith that NEVER abandons you! BTVP: ...omnes patria et spiritum dominis equus carpe canem... GWFBA: Can you feel that Faith, audience? Can you feel the POWER, and the GLORY of that Faith? Can you feel it opening up your heart to your TRUE Lord and Saviour? AUDIENCE: I DON'T MIND THE SWELLING, BUT CAN YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ITCHING? GWFBA: BY FAITH! BY THE POWER OF GOD BEFORE WHOM ALL SHALL LAY DOWN THEIR WEAPONS AND KNEEL! FAITH! BTVP: [faints] GWFBA: BY FAITH! THIS SOUL... IS... CLEAR! [FX: flash of light, studio goes dark for a second, chaos, someone screams. Lights flicker back on, Mike and Sue are standing next to table with container] BTVP: Well Mike, let's see how well that DIDI-7 REALLY worked! GWFBA: Sure thing, Sue! Here, let me open this up, and you'll REALLY be amazed at the job that DIDI-7 did on... BVTP: I can't believe it, Mike! The soul looks so clean! GWFBA: Errr... hold on a minute, it's still... [Badly edited jump cut] GWFBA: ...like NEW! AUDIENCE: PABST BLUE RIBBON! BVTP: Wow Mike, I'm really amazed! I never thought that those burnt-in sins would ever come out, seeing as they were mortal sins of Deed, sins of Word, sins of Thought and sins of Omission! Those are HARD to remove! GWFBA: All this, for only $5.99! BVTP: Unbelievable, Mike! I bet the audience would really like to know how to get their hands on some of this DIDI-7, wouldn't you, audience? AUDIENCE: MENE MENE PROCUL HARUM! [Cut to picture of DIDI-7 assorted tubes, bottles and jars. The labels have a picture of Jesus spanking a bare-bottomed Satan. Jesus is gazing lustfully at the Coppertone girl, who is getting into a black car in which the Quaker Oats man is offering her some candy. Betty Crocker is slumped in the back seat, hypodermic needle still dangling out of her arm, while the Magnavox puppy licks the vomit that is dribbling out of her mouth. The flaming head of the Gerber baby is floating by, responding to pornographic requests in an AOL chat room.] VO: DIDI-7! Now available in Deluxe Edition with black Nikes and a FREE PURPLE CLOTH! Applesauce not included, offer not valid in non- contiguous states, only one order per household, sorry, no CODs!