From: stacia@io.com (The Avocado Avenger) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.religion.kibology] Re: That's annoying. Date: 23 Mar 1999 15:45:20 -0000 Subject: Re: That's annoying. From: david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology In article , smjames@my-dejanews.com says... > Spent an hour this morning looking for a book. Finally found it about 3 > feet from where it was supposed to be. > > I suppose I really should clean house. Ironically, the book was "Spatial Visualization for Dummies." Hi, and welcome to Microsoft Standup Comedian++ v.3.1! Please select topics for today's material from the following list: 1. Airplane food/flying a- The 6 Peanuts in an impossible-to-open foil bag b- Nausea/food poisoning examples c- Anecdotes of people throwing up d- Lost luggage 2. The differences between men and women a- Why men are dumber than women (self-deprecating) b- Why women are dumber than men (self-deprecating) c- Why men are dumber than women (un-PC, 'edgy') d- Why women are dumber than men (un-PC, 'edgy') e- Differences in driving skills I. Parking II. Braking III. Back-seat driving f- The remote control/TV I. Ownership and possession II. Constant flipping vs. careful perusal III. Inability to change channels without it g- Sex I. Men want it more than women II. Men would be surprised, some women want it too III. The penis and how it controls the male brain IV. The lengths to which men will go for a blowjob h- Menstruation and how it affects behaviour i- Eating habits j- Reactions to break-ups 3. The differences between cats and dogs a- Cats are smart, dogs are dumb b- Dogs are a man's best friend, women get diamonds c- If I could lick myself like that, I wouldn't leave the house d- Dogs humping leg/sniffing crotches in embarassing situations e- Cats being clumsy (falling, bonking into objects) and then acting as if nothing happened. 4. The differences between and (e.g. black/white, jewish/catholic, gay/straight etc.) a- Driving habits b- Language ridiculization (inc. 'slang') c- is smarter than (self-deprecating) d- is smarter than (un-PC, 'edgy') e- Walking styles f- Foreigners g- Japanese tourists and ridicule thereof 5. Miscellaneous a- Single shoe by side of road b- Answering machine messages c- Jewish mothers d- Saddam Hussein and forms of mispronounciation of his name e- The in-laws 6. Drink/drunkenness a- Personal anecdotes b- Places you have puked c- Trying to speak whilst inder the unfluense d- The Need to Urinate e- Trying to fool the cops 7. The comedian's life a- Traveling b- Cheap hotels c- The question "So, what do you do?" and how to answer it d- "People in the audience in X were so slow, ..." where X is not tonight's venue 8. Topics for late-night TV-hosts ONLY a- OJ Simpson (inc. Judge Ito) b- Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp c- New York cab drivers d- Janet Reno's perceived masculinity e- Newt Gingrich/Rush Limbaugh I. Are so fat II. Have funny names Please select repeat-phrase: 1. What's up with that? 2. I'm right, right? Am I right? 3. D'you know what I mean? 4. Like, ... 5. Here's what I don't get... Please select one the following delivery styles: 1. Laid-back, 'California' 2. Screaming, obnoxious 3. Ironic detachment 4. Near-catatonia 5. Hip New Yorker 6. Alienated Russian 7. Near-constant sexual innuendo 8. Props Please select backdrop: 1. Brick wall 2. New York skyline 3. Black with stars -dp. "1.a, 2.c, 2.d, 3a-c, 2.f.II, 5.a, 1.b, #5, #2, #1 G'NITE FOLKS! DRIVE CAREFULLY!"