From: John Ward Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [qut.cs.info] BREAD SUICIDE Date: 4 Oct 1997 18:40:41 GMT Subject: BREAD SUICIDE From: TIMOTHY CLARKE Newsgroups: qut.cs.info Recent studies in bread culture have revealed an alarming increase in bread suicde rates. Bread is simply no longer feeling the strong need to exist. Rather it is feeling the pinch of the variety of the 90's. Bread is isolated, alone; another carbohydrate source in a world of potatos, pasta and protein enriched, carbohydrate deficient diets. Barry is four hours old, not old for bread by any standards, yet barry has found himself in a bread rehabilitation centre. This is his story. "I feel okay to talk about it now. I'm stronger, I can face it." Barry is determined but the obvious stress this recall is taking on him is evident in his shaking crusts. "I remember, I'd been alive for, I don't know, maybe an hour, hour and a half. Well, I was beginning to lose some of my freshness you know. No one seemed to want me. You have to understand, there was nothing wrong with me, I know that now, but I thought I must be the ugliest piece of bread around. Next thing I thought, well, what's the point of it all. Then this guy Ben, he came up with this idea of playing chicken with the toaster. I thought, why not, what have I got to lose. It was a thrill, getting closer and closer but then it happened.......I'm sorry.... I can't...sorry." Tears flow as Barry remembers the time that Ben came too close. "When that happened to Ben, I thought, I need help, that's when I came here." Barry was one of the lucky ones. Ben and many others like him have not been so lucky. The question that must be asked is why is this happening to our younger slices of bread. Why are they giving up? Dr Joe Lee, Bread Physiologist and Psychologist says the answer lies somewhere in bread history. Traditionally bread society has revolved around the loaf unit. All were one. However, around the sixties some of the more revolutionary loaves started experimenting with free slicing. Nicknamed the "flour children" these loaves were the forerunners of what has today become the New Bread Order. Although slicing was originally seen as a passing fad and held up by the most conservative loaves as immoral it soon caught on. This remarkable slice phenomenum has been a direct influence on the bread suicide rate. Slicing created a distinctive bread class system. Bread ends became a despised minority as did those slices at the front of the loaf. Loaf as we had known it became highly fragmented. No longer could the support system of the extended loaf be counted on. Slices were on their own. When bread was not bought, it was these slices that were ostracised as losing the freshness. They became depressed, flat and often resorted to mould dependency or worse. Dr Joe Lee says the answer is not less slicing, rather it is a change in attitude towards crusts and forward slices. "Please, please don't reach past them. They'll go for the toaster, they just don't care anymore. Even if you do not like bread ends still treat them fairly in front of the rest of the loaf. I've had to talk so many bread ends out of jumping into full sinks of water because of the pressure placed on them by an injust bread world. Be considerate, be caring, be fair. That's the answer." For more bread information contact Bread Digest: A better loaf for us all.