From: Dean Lenort Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.religion.kibology] The Right Hon. Rev. Cuhter takes a metaphor too far Date: 2 Dec 1999 16:20:58 GMT Subject: The Right Hon. Rev. Cuhter takes a metaphor too far From: david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "...And in Luke, Chapter 12, we read Jesus' words about the birds in the fields not worrying about where their next meal will come from, because they know that the Good Lord will provide for them, will feed them and their children, as He has always done. The flowers don't worry, don't become anxious about their possessions, for they know that the Lord will provide for them too. They simply live in mute testimony to the kind, giving nature of our Lord." "Well, the flowers are mute, the birds can sing of course. And their singing is like prayer, a joyful prayer offered up unto the Lord, praising him for the daily gift of life. For a bird does not require possessions of his own, he merely needs to sing his birdsong, and the Lord will provide. The birds pray to God with their birdsong, and are content, for the Lord will provide." "So if we are to be as the birds in the field, what do we require? How can we live, I hear people cry, if we have nothing to sustain us? And I say unto you, you do have something to sustain you, and that is given to you through your song, your prayer. For the Lord hears your prayer, and bless you, and provides worms for you to eat. And the worms are your faith, and to grow strong you must feed upon these worms that the Lord hath provided. And as I stand here before you as the head of this parish, I am like the mother bird who brings worms back to her children, her flock. And you, the members of this parish, must feed on the worms that I regurgitate into your mouths... " [ Retching sounds from congregation ] "...umm ...because it is faith that will sustain you in the times when you are hungry. And worms are a gift from God. truly, and should be eaten with joyous singing of prayers." [ More retching. Several people leave, clutching handkerchiefs to their mouths. ] "For the Lord knows that Man cannot eat on bread alone, and so he provides worms for us, and... and... BIRDSEED! Yay, birdseed doth sustain our faith, so the Lord doth put up a beautiful birdfeeder in his back yard, and fills it to the brim with the birdseed of faith." "But so many of us pass by the birdfeeder every day, and we don't notice it. We are so obsessed with our daily lives, our wanton accumulation of material wealth, that we fail to see that God has already provided for us. We don't see the food that a loving God has set out for us, just as we don't see the window sometimes as we're flying around God's garden, and SMACK! Sometimes we break our necks, and God has to come out into the garden with a couple of paper towels... [ Small child crying in front row. Rev. Cuhter pulls nervously on his collar ] "...which are like the forgiving love he offers us daily. He wraps our bodies up in the paper towels of love, our head dangling limp on our broken neck, and He takes us inside His house of many rooms, a house that has been prepared for us when we die. And God welcomes us in, into His house, and sometimes He puts us gently into the rubbish bin of Heaven, our eternal rest, and sometimes He tries to flush us down the toilet, which will wash away our sins, like a dead goldfish... [ Small child bawling in front row. Mother picks him up and carries him outside. Rev. Cuhter is sweating. ] "...and... ummm. And the rubbish bin is not for rubbish, for God would not throw dead birds -- which are our souls -- away. For God rejoices at the song of the birds, which are our prayers, although a dead bird doesn't really 'pray' in any sense any more, but God remembers when the bird was in the garden, praying and singing and eating worms and seed." "And sometimes being scared by that old scarecrow, Satan himself. But that doesn't make much sense, you say, because the scarecrow would scare the birds away from the food that God has planted for us to eat that we may be sustained and provided for, so why would He do that and try to scare the birds away? Unless the birds are sins, like big black crows that come into the fields and eat away at the corn, which we are, like corn in the field, until the big black crows eat us, and Farmer God comes out with His shotgun and blows away the crows with the power of shotgun love." "And then God takes the dead crows and put them in a pile with the other dead birds with broken necks and sets them alight, which is like being in Hell. And God uses gasoline to light the fire, which is the sin that burns up the souls that are in Hell, and God knows that this is dangerous, which is why He tells us we should never sin next to an open flame." "Except the crows were already the sin, so maybe the crows are actually our souls, which were trying to eat the corn, which is the food that God has provided for us so that we may be sustained by faith, which was the worm that eats away at the corn and ruins the crop, so God takes his shotgun love and blows away the scarecrow. Because the scarecrow was scaring the crows away, which is right and good because the crows are Satan's minions, and they eat the worms. And they shouldn't do that, because the worms are meant to feed the birds, except for the crows." [ awkward silence. Nervous coughs from the remaining congregation. ] "And what can we learn from this? That when we are hungry, we should eat corn, because it may be a tapeworm, and God has a gun. So don't sin, or you may spontaneously burst into flame." [ awkward silence. ] "Let us pray."