From: pbornem@hexis.net (Philbo)
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [sci.astro.amateur] Stupid Telescope Tricks
Date: 24 Sep 1998 04:14:32 -0000

Subject: Stupid Telescope Tricks
From: sue@sue.net
Newsgroups: sci.astro.amateur

*Sigh*  No wonder beginners think that Astronomy is hard... in the last
week, I've managed to do the following:

  * Aim the ETX in the general direction of Jupiter, put an eyepiece in
    the holder, and see nothing.  Slew up and down with the RA and Dec
    controls, check again with the finder -- nope, nothing.  Totally
    black.  Check again -- still nothing.

    Solution: Remove the dust cap.

  * Aim the ETX in the general direction of Jupiter, put an eyepiece in
    the holder, REMOVE THE DUST CAP, and *still* see nothing.  Slew around
    as before, with the same results.

    Solution: Flip up the diagonal mirror to divert the light path into
              the eyepiece holder.

  * Aim the ETX at the moon with a high-magnification eyepiece, look
    through the eyepiece, find a bright white blur.  Rack out to bring
    the moon into focus, and fail.  Rack all the way in to focus, and
    still fail.

    Solution: Actually aim at the moon, not at the bright halo around it.

  * Turn the declination slow motion controls, which have no effect whatever
    on the aim of the telescope.

    Solution: Lock the declination axis so that the controls will work.

  * Polar align the ETX, only to have objects quickly drift out of field.
    Re-align, with the same results.  Give up and turn off the drive;
    objects leave field at same rate.

    Solution: Actually engage the drive by locking the right ascension.

  * Polar align the ETX during early nautical twilight, right as Polaris
    is first visible, in order to observe the Moon near culmination.
    Objects slowly drift out of field, requiring frequent adjustment.

    Solution: Align the scope on Polaris, not Kochab.

  * Polar align the ETX, turn on the drive, lock the RA, and find objects
    zipping out of field like frightened squirrels.

    Solution: When going in for the night, turn off the drive by turing
              the "on/off" switch to "off", not by turning the "n/s"
              switch to put the drive in southern hemisphere mode.

  * Put the (silly little) 8x21 finder in the bracket, adjust it so that
    it looks straight, aim the ETX at a bright star using the finder, look
    through the eyepiece, and find a bright star near center of field.  Go
    starhopping and promptly get hopelessly lost in a twisty maze of little
    triangle-shaped asterisms, all alike -- and none of which match what's
    on the chart.

    Solution: Verify that the star in the center of the field is the same
              star that's in the center of the viewfinder.

  * Align the finder, find the Great Square, follow the chain of bright
    stars to the following, then star-hop north to M31... except that it
    isn't there.

    Solution: Begin star-hopping from the correct star.

  * Try to use the finder in a light polluted area surrounded by sodium
    lights.  Find a pinkish-orange haze.  Usually.  At other times, find
    exactly the expected star fields.

    Solution: Only adjust the tube by placing a hand on the *right* side,
              rather than on the left in front of the finder, so that the
              finder will offer a view of the sky rather than of the side
              of my hand....