From: harassed@lspace.org (Alex the Eternally Harassed) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.talk.mended-drum] Lunchtime Presents #6 Date: 22 Apr 1998 07:54:52 GMT Subject: Lunchtime Presents #6 From: richard.bryant@ukonline.co.uk Newsgroups: alt.talk.mended-drum X-Bouncer: Thanks for the bananana! This is a cc from n.a.n-a.u I couldn't help myself, and then i realised i just wasted my lunchbreak. Ah well. The twisted version of "Disco Inferno" can wait until tomorrow. In article, Jeremy wrote: > Rebecca Ore wrote: > > > Alt is dead, it's time to quit flogging the corpse. > > > > > > There are still many viable pockets of discourse in alt. These > > > groups should start considering when whole networks of systems > > > start dropping alt in-toto, and thinking about moving to a > > > better neighborhood. > > > > The groups that started me in despamming are in alt. Can we > > have some sensible way to move them faster than might be the usual > > course of creating a Big 8 group? > > I don't think it's time to start the evacuation yet. alt.* isn't dead, > it's just resting. I'm sorry, i just can't resist it..... *** Customer: 'Ello? I wish to register a complaint. (the owner does not respond) Customer: 'Ello, Miss? Owner: What do you mean "miss"? Customer: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! Owner: We're closin' for lunch. Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this hierarchy what I downloaded not half an hour ago from this very ISP. Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the alt.*...What's, uh...What's wrong with it? Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it! Owner: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting. Customer: Look, matey, I know a dead hierarchy when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Amazing hierarcy, the alt.*, innit, ay? Totally anarchistic Customer: The political philosophy don't enter into it. It's stone dead. Owner: Nononono, no, no! It's resting! Customer: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at the terminal) 'Ello, Mister Alty-walty! I've got a lovely fresh crop of discussion and flamin' for you if you show...(owner hits the screen) Owner: There, it moved! Customer: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the screen! Owner: I never!! Customer: Yes, you did! Owner: I never, never did anything... Customer: (yelling and hitting the terminal repeatedly) 'ELLO ALTY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Customer: Now that's what I call a dead hierarchy. Owner: No, no.....No, it's stunned! Customer: STUNNED?!? Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! freewheelin' groups stun easily, y'know. Customer: Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That hierarchy is definitely deceased, and when I downloaded it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of life beyond spam was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged cancel-moratorium. Owner: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the newbies. Customer: PININ' for the NEWBIES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on it's arse the moment I got it home? Owner: The alt.* hierarchy always kips on it's arse! Remarkable groups, squire? Lovely binaries! Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that hierarchy when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it could be seen over the spam in first place was because you cancelled all the spam. (pause) Owner: Well, o'course i cancelled it! If I hadn't cancelled that spam, the posters would have tracked down the spammers, stuck dynamite up their collective orifices, lit it and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Customer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this download wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin'demised! Owner: No no! It's pining! Customer: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! alt.* is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's poster! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't cancelled all the spam it'd be six feet under and pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal spool, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-HIERARCHY!! (pause) Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Owner: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of freewheeling anarchistic alternative hierarchies. Customer: I see. I see, I get the picture. Except if it's a binary. Owner: (thinks) I got USENET 2 (pause) Customer: Pray, does it work? Owner: Nnnnot really. Customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? *** Sorry :)